


all my friends are waiting down on me

by atlantisairlock



Category: Asia's Next Top Model RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, F/F, Female Friendship, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, Not Canon Compliant, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-09 09:27:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6900418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/atlantisairlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the cycle begins, Sang In's in it to win it and she's pretty damn sure she could, too. </p><p>Angie throws a real spanner into the proverbial works.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. let love in your life, baby, who needs sleep tonight?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [asianellenpage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asianellenpage/gifts).



> title from '101' by walla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this before the final episode so yes obviously the winners are WRONG. don't @ me.
> 
> title from 'let go for tonight' by foxes.

The day she flies off from Seoul, her mother pats her on the shoulder and tells her to do her best. 

Sang In sets her jaw and leaves with the knowledge that she's not just going to do her best - she's going to win the hell out of this thing. She's made it this far, and she definitely doesn't intend to lose anything - her dignity, her poise, the championship.

Angie... 

Angie screws all of it up. 

She's good at that. 

 

 

The first time they meet, Angie is eighteen years old and an incorrigible flirt. About a hundred and fifty women have turned up for the rigorous selection process, and both of them find each other at the water cooler, hiding from the chaos privy to the waiting area. Sang In's topping up her Nalgene and Angie's kindly getting a drink for some mass of nerves who ended up sobbing all over her shoulder. Sang In greets her with a polite smile. Angie returns it with a wink. 

That's a big fat warning in and of itself.

Well, she's never claimed to be good at taking a hint. 

"You don't seem nervous." Angie says to her as she fills up the paper cup. Sang In shrugs in response, not sure if she wants to continue the conversation or not. "I'm not. I'm here to win this, and I will." 

She laughs. She has a beautiful laugh, low and quiet and rich. "I like a girl with ambition." Before Sang In can respond, she places the cup on a ledge and turns to meet her eyes. "I'm Angie." 

Sang In takes a moment to get her mouth and brain back in sync. "I'm Sang In," she replies, the words sounding taut and awkward even to herself. "Nice to meet you." 

"And you." Angie says, letting her gaze linger, all bold cockiness and unreserved smile. "I hope to see you in the competition." 

When she leaves, heels clicking across the tiles, Sang In watches her go. 

 

 

She impresses the hell out of the judges and makes it into the lineup. They organise a little get-to-know-you dinner party where they basically take all the models out for dinner on some fancy yacht and they mingle. She supposes it makes for good TV. 

Angie catches her on the top deck, sipping on a mai tai and looking out at the Singapore coast; she sits down without waiting for an invitation and shoots Sang In that cheeky grin that seems softer under the moonlight. "You made it." 

Sang In's been running on that adrenaline high of self-satisfaction since they called her, and she lets it curl warm in the pit of her stomach and flood through her veins. An inexplicable current of joy sweeps over her - she tilts her head back and sighs in contentment. "Yes, I did. And it looks like you did too." 

"I'm glad." She sounds more self-satisfied than glad, but Sang In's about to let it go, when Angie turns to meet her eyes. "If it means I could meet you again." 

Against her will, Sang In flushes red. It isn't noticeable, not in the cover of night, but she ducks her head to hide it anyway, willing herself to quell the sudden rapid beating of her heart. 

She could get involved, and she knows that - and she also knows that there is no perceivable way it would end well. This is a competition, after all, and she is not here to get attached, especially not to a girl who ostensibly wants to win as much as she does. And after all, people like her - people like  _them_ \- are not meant to have happy endings. Angie is still young, still untouched by how cold and sharp this society can be, she thinks. Allowing herself to feel would only lead to worse. 

They are competitors, but more than that, she does not want to hurt this girl. 

"Yes," she finds herself saying. "I think we could be very good friends."

Angie goes still, and on her face Sang In can read confusion, bewilderment, disappointment, but perhaps that is better than the alternative. Better prevention than cure. It almost doesn't sting when she gets up without another word and retreats down the ladder to the bottom deck. 

This time, she keeps her eyes fixed on the sky. 

 

 

Cycle 4 goes into full swing and Sang In really starts feeling her way around. Getting used to Singapore is easy enough, but there's still the inter-house dynamics she needs to grapple with. First she takes the easy way out - she avoids Angie like the plague and doesn't respond to any of the undercurrents of flirting she inserts into casual conversation. 

Easy Way Out doesn't go down well. The other girls whisper and glance, and Kelly straight-up asks her what the hell is going on. This, it turns out, does not make for good TV at all. 

Plan B it is - fake it until she makes it. The only flaw in that plan is that Angie's fucking charming and wins over the judges, the crew and the girls alike, but she's also stubborn and playful and brave and outspoken and Sang In knows herself for who she is; she's never been someone who could shut her feelings down and just act. 

They're a week in and she doesn't know what to call it.

It's not love, no.

But there's something, and  _something_ is not good. 

 

 

The 'something', Angie declares to her on the girls' first movie night, is called  _attraction, lust, allure, would you like a dictionary, Sang In?_ They're lying side by side on the same mattress at a crappy angle, a ways from the others, who are fully engaged in what's happening on screen. Angie, on the other hand, refuses to stop whispering under her breath. "I'm just saying, you don't need to agonise over your latent desires and mope about them, you know."

With a sigh, Sang In abandons her failing efforts to concentrate on Sandra Bullock kicking ass and glares at Angie. "I don't  _mope."_

Angie snorts and rolls over onto her back. "Honey, you haven't been watching the dailies, have you?" 

She hasn't. Honestly, she just doesn't want to acknowledge anything that's happening. If she can just relegate Angie to the status of an 'unexpected obstacle', it'll be easier to focus on what she really wants out of her time here in Singapore. This is important to her - she can't afford to fuck it up. She has a lot to gain, and a lot to lose. 

She really isn't intent on losing. 

"Why are you so hell-bent on making yourself miserable when you could just cut loose or admit that you're totally into me?" 

It's light and teasing but it rakes on Sang In's nerves. "Angie, I'm not here to play games, or to fall in love."

"Jesus. Is that what this has been about?" Angie says it like it's an epiphany, then rolls her eyes and sits up proper. "Hey, look, neither am I. I'm serious about this competition too, okay? Falling in love? That's bullshit, Kim. A bit of fun and stress relief doesn't have to go into that territory and I don't want it to either. Don't take it personally - I'd sleep with everyone in this room. They're hot as hell, that's why we're all even on the show. It's just that they're either attached or tragically straight, and you quite certainly are not." 

She's so blunt and matter-of-fact about it that Sang In has to laugh, and Angie's grave expression softens into amusement. "That's more like it. You'll get better scores if you make them like you - that's the way." 

She catches her breath, grinning. "You realise you're suggesting we just be friends with benefits?" 

"Yeah, I do," Angie answers, and leans across to kiss her. 

 

 

They don't sleep together that night - the first time comes later, after a stressful day mostly spent getting railed at by Kelly for various reasons. They're good ones, and Kelly's got a right to be pissed, but that doesn't stop Sang In from feeling drained as hell when they finally get back to the dorms. A lot of the other girls just fall into bed and knock out right then and there. She'd love to do the same, but she feels far too keyed up to have a good night's rest. She's weighing the pros and cons of second hot shower versus sneaking out for a quick snack when she feels a hand on her shoulder. 

When she turns, it's Angie - of course she is. Her face is shrouded in darkness, just barely lit by a sliver of moonlight streaming in from the windows. 

"Come to bed," she says, sultry and laden with innuendo, and she sure as hell doesn't intend on sleeping any time soon. 

Sang In hesitates for the briefest moment, heart heavy with the uncertain knowledge that she's doing something that's going to lead her on the path of no return. 

But it passes, inexplicably, rolling off her shoulders, so she lets Angie take her hand, lead her to her bed, away from prying eyes. 

She even lets her stay. 

 

 

After, it's two in the morning and Sang In  _knows_ for sure she's going to wake up half-dead and Kelly will probably kick her ass into next Wednesday, but she feels sore, the good kind, and buzzing with muted energy and sated desire. Angie drowses beside her, straddling the line between sleep and wakefulness. 

"You do know what you're doing," Sang In comments, staring up at the ceiling. 

Angie's sleepy laugh is sweet, and strangely attractive. "Go to sleep, Kim." 

She does. 

 

 

She learns, very quickly, that Angie means it, the whole don't-take-it-personally thing. Outside of their trysts, she doesn't treat Sang In differently from any of the other girls in any way. If she was an outsider, Sang In's pretty damn sure she wouldn't suspect a thing. It should ease her conscience, but it doesn't. Angie's taking it lightly, doesn't seem to think about it at all - 

but Sang In  _does._ It goes against their agreement, but she does. Most of the time it's okay - she's too distracted by the whirlwind of the competition itself to really give the whole arrangement much thought. But in the most unexpected moments, like when she's in the middle of light conversation with Tuti or trying out some new ice-cream Jessica snuck into the dorm, it hits her and stops her in her tracks for a second. 

It just doesn't feel right. 

 

 

Maya leaves, and then Tugs. AsNTM  _really_ begins to heat up and they don't even need to artificially induce conflict into the group, because it happens organically, grows like a weed and pushes its way through. It's petty and childish and she doesn't like it, doesn't like how strained it can get when they should be friends. 

She wants to win - 

but not like this, in a poisonous sort of environment that seems to pick at their greatest flaws and amplifies them for the viewers to see. 

She's an established model; it's not that she doesn't know what the industry is like. But this is different, somehow. This is pitting them against each other for the sake of drama and entertainment, and not really to see who's the best at what they do. 

It's - 

not what she expected, and she doesn't know if she likes it.

 

 

When it gets too difficult - or just plain ridiculous - to put up with, she goes to Angie, and - for lack of a better way to put it - they just fuck it out. It works, for a while, like a temporary salve, though it never lasts. 

It's good enough. 

It takes her three weeks before she starts realising that in her heart of hearts, Angie is becoming her safe place.

And honestly? That makes her feel like shit, because Angie's just eighteen and so damn young and sometimes when the light hits her at the right angles she looks like the teenager she should be, and it makes Sang In's gut roil. 

Angie calls her out on it, reminds her that she's as much an adult as Sang In is - and anyway, what is she so worried about? it's just sex. 

That's supposed to lighten the worry, she knows.

The thing is, it doesn't.

 

 

One of her friends makes a long-distance call from back in South Korea and makes small talk, asks her how she's doing, asks her if she's met anybody nice. 

She doesn't know how to answer.

 

 

About a month after she and Angie first hook up, they celebrate Angie's birthday in the middle of the shoot. Everyone gets her small gifts, even Cindy and Kelly and Yu Tsai - Angie accepts them all with delighted surprise. Gwen and Tawan both buy her jewellery - a pair of earrings and a bracelet - and she puts them on immediately; everyone coos over them and makes her the star of the day. Sang In lurks and watches and tries to rationalise to herself why she didn't go out with the girls and buy Angie anything to wrap and give. 

She decides to be upfront about it, later, goes straight to Angie. "I didn't get you anything," she confesses. She feels fucking embarrassed and she just can't wrap her head around why exactly she is. 

Out loud, in earshot of the rest, Angie grins. "No hard feelings!"

When she leans in closer and brushes her fingertips down Sang In's arm, there's heat in her eyes. "I'm sure you can find a way to make up for it." 

Sang In swallows hard. "Yeah, okay." 

 

 

She's long lost count of how many times they've slept together, but this time it's - different. It's sweeter, slower, more tender. Something shifts between them, or maybe it's just her. 

Sang In always stays in Angie's bed, after, but this time, there's pillow talk. It's not as strange or awkward as she imagined it might be. They talk about the most trivial matters, laugh at bad jokes, and when she kisses Angie goodnight, it feels... real. 

"Happy birthday," Sang In whispers against her lips. 

"It is," Angie replies sleepily. "Because you're here."

 

 

The first day she tops the leaderboard for a challenge, she finds out Angie's also sleeping with Jessica on the side. 

It's thus also the first day she realises it might not be 'just sex' any more, because it feels like she's swallowed a cactus or something when she confronts Angie about it and she admits to it oh-so-casually, like it doesn't matter.

And it shouldn't, because they never agreed to be exclusive, they agreed it was just friends with benefits, and Angie has every right to be hooking up with whoever she wants - and Sang In  _knows_ all of that. It doesn't stop her from feeling jealous and confused and upset. She doesn't demand anything out of Angie - that would be a jerk move - but the younger girl speaks to her anyway, grabs her arm to stop her from leaving the conversation and looks at her with the strangest, most incomprehensible expression on her face. "Did you enjoy it?"

"Enjoy what?" Sang In answers, struggling to keep the bitterness out of her voice. 

Angie's grip loosens. "Thinking you were the only one." 

 _Yes,_ she thinks,  _I did._

And it must be easy to read off her countenance, or maybe Angie's just getting to know her too well, because she crowds into Sang In's personal space, looking understanding, but with just the faintest shadow of pain in her eyes. "Oh, Sang In," Angie murmurs, brushing the pad of her thumb against her lips, parting them slightly.

It's a good kiss, or at least it should be, and sends a pleasant shudder down her spine. 

They don't speak after that. Perhaps it's easier that way.

 

 

When half of the girls have left and the dorm seems far larger and quieter than before, it also becomes way more noticeable that Angie stops inviting her into her bed. Sang In doesn't push it, but she misses her, she misses their nights together, and not just because they were fun and hot and Angie knows some incredibly dirty tricks, most of which involve her tongue. She misses their pillow talk more than anything, the AM hours just spent talking to each other about things they'd never dare speak of while the sun is high. 

It's begun to dawn on her that the competition is going to end. One of them is going to be crowned Asia's Next Top Model and the rest are going to part ways and go home, four or five hours away from one another by plane. They might have one or two mini-reunions, perhaps, but they'll most likely never be all together like this ever again.

About four thousand, five hundred kilometres will lie between her and Angie when she returns to South Korea, and they might never see each other ever again. 

The finality of it tastes bitter on her tongue. 

 

 

A while after she and Angie just... drift apart, they're given a full day off to do whatever they want. May suggests they go clubbing. Julian, the oldest of the remaining group who's conveniently taken on the role of Mom Friend, shakes her head in mock-disapproval and gives them all a lecture on club safety - she's quickly interrupted by Tawan throwing a pillow at her, and the rest of them follow suit. It devolves into a full-on pillow fight which Cindy would  _definitely_ click her tongue at, but when they're done they're all breathless and laughing and absolutely down to club.

Angie suggests a nice place down at Clarke Quay, and it's met with great approval. She chats and laughs with the other girls as they make their way down that night. 

Sang In feels distinctly left out. Nobody notices, except Tuti, who sidles closer to her in the back seat of the car they're in and prods her in the side. "What's wrong?"

She's touched by the genuine concern in Tuti's voice, but she forces herself to smile anyway. "Nothing. I'm good."

 

 

The club is packed. Angie gets on the dance floor right away, along with most of the other girls - they're swept into the crowd, nameless and fameless for just one night. 

Sang In just doesn't think she's in the mood. Instead she finds herself an empty booth and orders some drinks, leaving herself to her thoughts. It isn't long, though, before Tuti looks in and asks if she can join her, and maybe she just doesn't want to be alone. 

They drink together in silence for a while. She catches glimpses of Angie every now and then, obviously enjoying herself, moving vicariously to the beat of the endless medley of songs reverberating over the sound system. 

Amidst the buzz of energy in the club, Sang In turns to Tuti, already a little drunk. "Tuti, what the fuck am I doing?"

Her friend snorts into her glass. "Angie, according to the gossip mill."

Sang In chokes on her beer and nearly falls out of her seat. Tuti laughs at her reaction, visibly amused. "What, you thought nobody was aware that you two are sleeping together? Even Yu Tsai knows. Girl, you cannot keep a secret." 

She reels. _"What?!"_

"Hey, it's the truth, you really suck at it. Come on, if you're going to be offended - "

"No, not that!" Well, somewhat that, but right now she's evidently got bigger things to worry about. "What do you mean Yu Tsai _knows?"_

Tuti throws her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Cindy knows! Kelly knows.  _Everyone_ knows. I'm pretty sure even the camera operators are fully aware of what's going on. The both of you are not exactly subtle. Did you forget the one time you turned up for a shoot with a bite mark on your shoulder? We laughed for days."

There's silence in their little corner of the club. Sang In drums her fingers on the table, trying to quell the panic rising in her chest. Tuti must notice, because she gives her a sidelong glance and her manner goes serious. She rests her glass on the ledge, moving over to touch Sang In lightly on the arm. "Hey, are you okay?"

The words stick in her throat. "Why hasn't anyone -  _said_ anything about it - us?" 

Tuti's expression softens by degrees. "Kelly got us together specifically to tell us to just stay out of it, because it's not our business. She can see it, too, and even if she hadn't talked to us we would never have, Sang In, because everyone can tell that you're happy," she replies, her tone firm and sympathetic. "We can all see that you love her and that she makes you happy, and everything else aside, we would never stand in the way of that. " 

"Because she makes me happy?..." Sang In trails off. 

"Yes. She does, doesn't she?"

Maybe it's the alcohol, or the lingering sadness, or a combination of both, because Sang In breaks down right then and there. Tuti's visibly startled, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Hey,  _hey._ Did I say something wrong?"

So she tells her - confides in her, explains how it all began and how it's all going wrong and sobs it out. When she's done, she's a mess and she realises what she ought to have caught on to before. 

All Tuti does is listen, and pass her some tissues. She doesn't speak for a long time once Sang In's done crying, just pats her gently on the back and looks thoughtful, like she's gathering what she wants to say.

Eventually she downs her glass and sighs. "Sang In, if you think Angie doesn't feel anything for you, you're wrong. I know how you feel, and I know what you must be thinking, but believe me, she's not staying away from you because she doesn't care and doesn't want to make it messier - I'm pretty sure it's because she's trying to figure out her own feelings and it's not easy. You should talk to her about it, and be upfront. There's a lot to lose here, but you've also got a lot to gain, and - look, girl, the cycle's going to end soon and then... what? Are you really willing to lose her to your own doubts? You've only got a few weeks left, or less - are you really intending on staying miserable and uncertain for the rest of them? Talk to her. At best, you'll find something you didn't expect to have when you came her, and at worst, you will have closure. Isn't that what's best?" 

Sang In pauses, taking all of it in. "You sound like you're speaking from experience."

Tuti laughs softly, and looks away into the crowd. "Perhaps I am."  

Sang In follows her line of sight, her gaze resting on what she's looking at - it's Tawan, standing by the bar chatting with the bartender while he mixes her drink. It's a quiet moment, a little tense with the unspoken promise of mutual secrecy, then Tuti looks back at her with the slightest of smiles. "What I'm saying is - you're not alone."

She's not sure she can breathe. It surprises her when she manages to speak. "Is she - I mean, does she know?" 

"Is that really the question you should be asking?" Tuti pushes her untouched glass of beer towards Sang In, jerking her head in the direction of the dance floor. "Go get your girl, Sang In. Before it's too late." 

She doesn't give Sang In a chance to answer, just slips out of the booth and weaves her way through the crowd to get to the bar. Sang In watches her slide an arm surreptitiously around Tawan's waist, watches the other woman glance up at her with an expression that tells of sheer adoration. Her view is obstructed by the swell of dancers, but she thinks she sees them share a brief, chaste kiss. 

It's sweet.

But it's just not what she and Angie have. 

 

 

She wants to take Tuti's advice, she really does, but she's chickenshit. It's the best way to put it - every time she's about to confront Angie, she just loses her nerve, and that's it. 

To her credit, Tuti doesn't pressure her into doing anything until she's eliminated. They're all helping her pack to go home, and she grabs hold of Sang In's arm and stares hard at her. "You haven't told her yet."

It's a statement, not a question. Sang In blinks and bites her lip. "No. But I will, I promise." 

Tuti nods. "Will you watch out for Tawan for me?" 

This, at least, she can say without feeling the guilt that comes with a lie. "Of course."

And then there are five.

 

 

She has time, she tells herself. She has time. There's no way Angie won't make it into the top three, and she's pretty confident she will, too.

The judges prove her wrong. 

There's an outpouring on social media when Angie's eliminated and nobody's more taken aback than Sang In herself. There's a group hug and Angie leaves to the dorms and she breaks out into a full run when they're allowed to leave. Seeing Angie packing is - 

the dorms are empty. Julian, Patricia and Tawan know better than to interrupt their moment. Angie stops folding her clothes and looks up at her. "Hi."

She can't say a word. All she can do is go to Angie's side and help her put her things in her bags. It's all too quick, and in minutes she's ready to go, and it looks as if she could never have been there at all. 

They don't touch each other, even at the door, but Angie speaks to her, quiet and hoarse. "Sang In, you know you're going to win, right?"

It makes Sang In want to be sick, the thought that she can now tell exactly what Angie is feeling by the slightest inflection in her voice and it's an epiphany that steals the breath from her lungs.

She loves her.

She wants her to stay.

She barely hears Angie continue. "You have to win. Like you said when you first met me, by the water cooler, remember? You're the best of all of us. You can do it." She takes Sang In's hands in hers. "I believe in you." 

"Don't go," Sang In hears herself whisper, all while knowing it's a stupid, hopeless plea - what can she possibly do to change the results? "Angie. Please." 

The girl gives her a sad smile that makes her ache all the way down to her bones, splays her fingers gently against Sang In's cheek and presses a fleeting kiss to her mouth. "I can't wait to see them announce your name on live TV." 

It's not  _I love you._

It's close enough.

And then she's gone. 

 

 

Tawan and Julian are the next to be eliminated and finally it's down to just her and Patricia, who breezily greets her the next morning with a bright grin. "So what does it feel like to be Asia's Next Top Model?" 

Sang In goes scarlet. "What are you talking about? I haven't won yet." 

"You will," Patricia answers, holding out her hand to shake. "And you deserve it. You have an amazing future ahead of you, Sang In. It's been an honour." 

They shake, but for Sang In it feels hollow. If she does win, victory will be sweet, and she knows it.

She just feels like Angie should be there with her. 

 

 

Kelly briefs them on some important admin matters over lunch, and Sang In tries to listen. Most of it goes in through one ear and out of the other, though, until the end, when Kelly gets up and shuffles her papers and says it in the most blasé tone. "We're inviting all the other girls back for the final." 

Sang In drops her glass. 

 

 

Everything else just flies by in a whirl, and she counts down to the day all of them reunite. On the others' Instagram accounts, Sang In sees throwback photographs complete with captions telling of their excitement to be back together again, especially the girls who left early on. Angie's caption is much like the others, only it has a _p.s. I believe in you_ at the very bottom.

Patricia sees her staring at it, teases her lightheartedly, and tells her to get some sleep before the very last day. 

 

 

It's arranged for that they'll have lunch at some fancy upscale restaurant before they shoot the reveal. Patricia and Sang In get there late, held up by the traffic, but when they're shown to the table, when all the girls look up from their conversation with Cindy, when she sees Angie -

_oh._

The whole world seems to - just settle. It's not Hollywood. It's not an explosion or fireworks or all the cliches she's ever read about - she's not even sure what it is. She just knows that she stops in her tracks, and everything freezes, and then Angie's out of her seat, Angie's running towards her, Angie throws her arms around her and Sang In sucks a gasp in through her teeth and bursts into tears. 

It's not her best moment. 

 

 

Tuti's the one to take her to the washroom and calm her down. Their own little reunion is tearful as well, but Tuti soon goes all businesslike and prompts her to clean up quickly and get out there and say a proper hello. 

The food is on the table when they exit the washroom back into the restaurant. There's an empty seat beside Angie, and she slides into it, feeling like she's walking on a bed of needles. She doesn't know what to say, what to do, after being apart for two weeks and having no contact between each other, and just as she's about to go into panic mode again, Angie speaks. "Sang In."

And she can't lose this girl. She won't. Everything else can go to hell in a handbasket - she loves her and isn't going to let her chance slip away. Sang In pulls her in by the collar and kisses her, in front of Cindy and Kelly and all the other girls, and there are cheers and gasps and squeals but they all fade away into the background. 

There will be a fallout. She knows that for sure. Sang In doesn't even know how she's going to explain this when she gets back home and sees her family again. 

But all of it can come later. 

For now, there is Angie, and there is herself, and maybe the title of Asia's Next Top Model, and that's all she wants, or needs.

 

 

There's a lot of catching up to do after lunch as they return to the dorms. Patricia and Sang In need to be prepped for the big reveal and as the minutes tick by, she gets more and more nervous. It's all happening so fast - can it really all be over? It seems like just yesterday she was by the water cooler, just having met Angie, before everything. And now they're about to walk into that room for the last time and stand before the judges and Cindy's going to announce who the winner of Cycle 4 is.

"You ready?" Angie asks, sliding her arms around Sang In's waist and kissing her on the edge of her mouth. 

"Hell no," Sang In answers with a nervous laugh, feeling herself begin to panic. Angie takes her hands and squeezes lightly. "You can do this. You're going to be amazing. And whatever happens after this? I will be with you." She looks down at their intertwined fingers, takes a deep breath. "I didn't expect for this to happen, you know. I didn't go into it thinking it was ever going to be anything more than friends with benefits, but I'm happy it did and I'm happy I met you and I'm happy I fell in love with you." The words tumble out of Angie's mouth in a rush but Sang In catches them all. "I love you. Everything else, we can work out in time."

And with that, all her fear, all her anxiety, it all just fades away. Angie's right. No matter the result, no matter the future. 

"I love you too," Sang In says, marvelling at the sheer truth of it. She kisses Angie one more time, then looks at the doors that are slowly opening, sees the judges sitting in their seats and waiting expectantly. "I'm ready." 


	2. and you know for me it's always you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you fall in love, first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the garbage can is back at it again i blame u charlie.
> 
> events of this chapter are set a year or so after the first chapter.
> 
> title from 'i know places' by taylor swift.

You fall in love, first. 

Nobody finds out, mostly because everyone's attention is fixated upon Angie and Sang In. It never ceases to astound you how unobservant both of them are - Patricia runs a short-lived betting pool on whether they know they're being incredibly obvious and just don't care, or if they  _really_ have no idea that everyone knows they're sleeping together. You're almost grateful for it, because it means that none of the heat rests upon you. For you it's quieter, more intense, it lingers at the edges of unspoken moments and casual touches that burn through your flesh down to the bone. 

You keep tabs on Sang In, because you  _get_ it. She's in love with someone she's pretty certain doesn't love her back. The only difference is that she's wrong - there's no way Angie isn't head over heels for her, too. 

Their love is - 

something you want to protect.

It's not something you can have, and all the more important that _they_ do. 

 

 

It's not that you hope for anything, which means there's no disappointment to be had. 

Pleasant surprises, on the other hand? 

What you mean is - 

Tawan, three years younger and vastly more talented and full of pluck, grabs you by the collar as you're walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night and kisses you dizzy. 

It takes you a couple days to believe you weren't dreaming. 

 

 

You don't know what to call it. It's not a relationship, not really, or is it? You're not sure. It's hard to peg Tawan, always a little out of reach, always a little too ethereal to touch. You dance around the issue for a week until she gets sick of it, tells you straight up that if you don't want this, you're free to leave, why are you being so damn iffy about it?

A week later, you finally kiss her back. 

 

 

You've been sort-of dating for a month when Sang In tells you everything over a couple glasses of beer in Attica. 

You press a couple tissues into her hand and come to the belated conclusion that you're in love. The only logical conclusion is to leave Sang In to deal with Angie while you cross the club to go to Tawan's side, rest your hand against the curve of her hip. She looks up at you with that smile you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. 

In that moment, you can almost believe it'll all end happily. 

 

 

Both of you pretty much gather that, when it's down to the wire, it's going to be Patricia or Sang In. It's just a matter of a waiting game at this point, to see who's eliminated first.

The answer turns out to be you, and you're surprisingly okay with that, for more reasons that one. Malaysia is geographically closer to Singapore than Thailand is, and you can afford to stay for a while - you don't need to leave her, not yet. 

It's a separation of a different sort, you suppose. She is there when you leave, for real, eyes tinged red and conspicuously silent. All you do for a while is just stare at each other - you don't know what she's doing or thinking, but for you, it's an endeavour in committing every inch of her face to memory, something you can't afford to forget. 

 _Marry me,_ you almost say, foolish to the last, with nothing to your name but yourself. 

"Sang In says she'll watch out for you," you say instead, and she nods tightly. 

You don't expect her to kiss you one last time, and she doesn't. 

 

 

Julian goes first. From your TV set, you see Tawan look peaceful, accepting, somewhat. 

You don't watch her elimination episode. Perhaps she knows, because she in turn cites family matters, skips the final episode get-together, and quietly gets on a flight home without saying a word to you. 

Well. Sang In becomes Asia's Next Top Model. That's the only good thing that comes out of it. 

 

 

You're good at making yourself move on; that's why you continue to have a successful career even after not making it to the top five. Your world doesn't shatter, even after everything ends. 

It doesn't mean you stop loving her - 

but you know how to survive. 

 

 

After the competition ends, the only person you really keep in touch with is Angie - it helps that the only thing lying between both of you is the Causeway, whereas you'd have to get on a plane just to see the rest. Sang In returns to South Korea, so that brings both of you together, too - that longing for someone far away. She never judges you for keeping tabs on Tawan through social media, and for that you are grateful. 

She's also there when the invitation comes in the mail. 

More accurately, you're both sitting in her living room watching some crappy NTV7 drama when the post arrives. She goes out to get it with a smile on her face and returns with all the colour drained from it. You sit up. "Angie, what's wrong?"

Her lips part, and she looks more bewildered than anything as she furrows her brow and hands you an opened envelope. "Tawan's getting married."

A sudden chill shivers through your entire body. You've got to have heard that wrong - but the heavy weight of the invitation in your hands tells you otherwise. 

She's getting married, and not to you.

Somewhere, deep inside you, you wonder if this is penance for having been a coward, then, for not having asked her first. 

Perhaps this is what you deserve.

 

 

Angie, of course, thinks otherwise. She goes into a frenzy, texting endlessly on her phone, and by the end of the hour, Tawan's been informed that you'll be attending the ceremony, Sang In's booked a flight into Singapore and you're being dragged to go buy new clothes. Apparently she's thoroughly convinced that Tawan isn't entering into the marriage entirely willingly, and she's determined that, if nothing, you'll be honest with her about how you feel and give her an option before it's too late. You spent the next hour trying to talk her out of it. You're both still arguing about what the best course of action is when you go to Changi to pick Sang In up. 

You're surprised when Angie tells Sang In the whole story, and instead of supporting her girlfriend, she backs you up. "How do you know she's not getting into the marriage willingly? It's not our place to tell her that she should forsake this marriage. She might have moved on from Tuti - you never know."

Angie shakes her head adamantly. "No  _way._ She would have said something to - one of us. Any of us! It's only been a  _year!_ And she's so young. You know she wanted to pursue her career for a couple years at least before settling down. She's said that before. If she agreed to this, it means she thought she didn't have any other options. If you love her still, you should fight for her." 

"Angie, you can't claim to know what Tawan wants," you tell her, suddenly feeling exhausted. "And it's not important how I feel for her - what's important is if she still feels the same."

"And what if she does?"

"She's getting  _married_ \- it looks _pretty_  obvious she doesn't." 

It's startlingly easy to lie. To be honest, you've no idea if Angie's right or not, but you can't help but think about it in a practical way. Whoever this man is, he'll be able to provide Tawan with security and stability - for all you know, maybe even wealth and status, maybe a family. It wouldn't surprise you if she chose him over you, love be damned, and you'd probably be happy for her. 

If she chose you, it would likely be a life of hiding and lying and keeping to the shadows, maybe even being disowned by her parents and risking her flourishing career. She deserves better than that. 

Angie looks upset, almost defeated, and you soften. "I just want the best for Tawan. This might very well be it."

The way Sang In looks at you, you know she understands. 

 

 

Sang In manages to talk Angie into going for the wedding as a trio of guests with no complex plans to rekindle any romance. You'll all be there simply to revel in Tawan's big day with her. She agrees, but wheedles both of you into going shopping for new clothes anyway. 

You stay over at her house for the rest of the week until you have to fly off to Thailand. Sang In does, too, for different reasons. 

The night before your AM flight, you overhear them talking in the living room. It's mostly hushed and indistinguishable, but you manage to catch a bit. 

_"If we were in their position - would you have fought for me?"_

Sang In is silent for a long time before speaking, low and clear.  _"It's different for both of us. I_ know  _you love me back. Tuti doesn't."_

Yeah, you think. Therein lies the crux of the whole damn matter.

 

 

You quite nearly lose your nerve right before you walk into the entrance hall. Sang In grabs you firmly by the shoulders and turns you back in the direction of the door. "You told me once during the competition that at worst, I would have closure. Take your own advice."

Right. You steel your jaw and stand straight. How hard can it possibly be, to see her again? 

The doors open and your gaze meets hers from where she's seated with her husband-to-be, in the most beautiful dress you've ever seen, and it steals the breath from your lungs.

You walk back out of the hall. 

It's too  _much._

This was a mistake. 

 

 

You make it all the way to the hotel carpark on autopilot before you hear the click of high heels on the concrete, quick and unsteady behind you. You stop, turn, look at her. 

God, Tawan. 

Her eyes are rimmed with red and that's so fucking familiar, that brings you back to the day you were eliminated, reminds you of all your missed chances. She's standing there in her wedding dress and looking at you like she can't believe you're here. 

"Hi," you finally manage, if only to break the silence. 

"Tuti," she replies, steps in and kisses you like she hasn't kissed you for a year. 

The first thing you think is:  _damn it, Angie was right._

And then:  _I can't live without you._

And: 

_Leave him._

_Love me._

"You don't want this," you whisper, when you both finally part, and she laughs with no mirth in it. "It's always been you." 

And this is what you hear - 

_Stop me._

You don't have time to respond before one of Tawan's bridesmaids, who apparently followed Tawan down to the carpark, bursts through the door of the lift lobby and grabs her arm. "Tawan! What are you doing? The ceremony's going to start, we have to get you upstairs!" 

She doesn't wait either, just pulls Tawan away behind her, and she disappears into the hotel. Your mind reels. 

You have to stop this - if not for yourself, for her.

But how?

 

 

Sang In and Angie are catching up with the other AsNTM girls when you return to the hall - you pull both of them aside with hurried apologies to May and Julian before recounting the events of the past ten minutes in breathless hisses. 

"Told you so," Angie says. "You have to do something."

Which is easy to say, but all you can think of is that it's too late. "How am I supposed to that?" 

"The vows," Sang In answers easily. "The officiator will do the whole 'speak now or forever hold your peace' spiel. You know what to do." 

It settles on your shoulders, reassuring and right.

You do. 

 

 

It seems like  _forever_ before Tawan's father walks her down the aisle, past the tables full of applauding relatives and friends, past you. She meets your eyes as she does, with hope in her own, and you swallow down the rest of your apprehension. You're fucking sweating, hands shaking, when you watch her at the altar, when you wait for those lines. 

" -  _forever hold your peace -_ "

\- and you stand, almost of your own volition, and there are gasps, you think someone screams, from beside you Sang In squeezes your hand once for luck - 

It amazes you that nobody tackles you to the ground before you reach the altar, but perhaps they're too much in shock to do anything until you're there, her fiancé looks uncomprehending, but suddenly everything is clear to you. You hold out a hand to her, nod. "I don't have anything to offer you," you say, soft enough so only she hears. "But I'm yours if you want me."

The whole room must be watching, 

watching as she puts her hand in yours. 

Everything gets louder, louder - 

_no daughter of mine -_

_this isn't what we agreed on -_

_what does she think she's doing -_

_if you ever want to step foot in my house ever again -_

She leans in and her lips brush against your ear. "Run."

You kick off your heels and run. 

All hell breaks loose. 

 

 

It's all a blur, after that. Angie and Sang In make it out of the chaos, navigate the giant carpark to find Sang In's rental car and swing by the back door of the hotel, yelling at both of you to get in. The moment Tawan shuts the door behind her, Sang In guns it. 

You're halfway down a highway before you manage to catch your breath for real, and you notice Tawan's laughing, a real laugh, light and happy and relieved. Angie joins in, uninhibited and exhilarated. 

"Where are we going?" You ask Sang In, and she shrugs. "Our hotel? If we're fugitives now, at least let me get my luggage." 

That brings you back to reality, and you turn to look at Tawan in the seat next to you, barefoot and her dress rumpled. 

You've both gotten away - but now what? Where can you go? If her family was serious about disowning her, like you heard amidst the yelling in the banquet hall... 

The fear must show on your face, because she grins and cups your face in her hands, kissing you hard. "Stop worrying," she breathes. "I choose you." 

"Am I worth it?" You ask, disbelieving, and Tawan sighs, slides her arms around your waist. "Always. And we have all the time in the world to worry about everything else, so give me this moment." She leans back, eyes bright in the darkness. "Take me home, Tuti Noor."

The traffic races away around you, Sang In clocking a solid 120, Angie grinning at both of you from the front seat, and with the glow from ambient light illuminating Tawan's face, you look into her eyes and nod. "Okay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: super unrealistic on many fronts and not a very traditional thai wedding at all bc i've only ever attended chinese and white ass weddings with the vows and shit so i've written it as one of those ceremonies they have in hotel banquet halls and all that jazz pls forgive.

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimers: i don't know that much about what's canonically happening on asntm because my house doesn't have cable and the only times i've been able to catch it is when i've been on staycations at hotels so it's probably going to veer way off canon + obviously i have no clue how the selection process or time frame or dorms or whatever is/are like either basically what i'm saying is suspend the shit out of reality. 
> 
> i don't own asntm or cbs or star world, etc. i don't know any of the models personally. i don't profit from this fic; it's just for fun. this fic isn't meant to be in character or to represent anything happening in real life or whatever. no insinuations or disrespect meant towards any of the models or the hosts or their families or their respective spouses et al. probably really incorrect wrt all the technical bits bc i haven't had much prior experience in the film industry or the fashion industry. aka everything i've written in this fic is FICTIONAL. for ENJOYMENT.
> 
> please for the love of god DON'T come to the comments section going off about how rpf is Disrespectful and Gross and Wrong and Weird unless you intend to comment the exact same thing on every single one direction fic that exists on this site as well. it's just annoying.


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